What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
