haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize