i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
