I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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