I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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