I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
