3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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