if i can run in heels then i can drive
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
