shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
