I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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