____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
