There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
they're like a gay fantastic four
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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