Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
