Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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