connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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