this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
