All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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