Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
