Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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