I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
