after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
