omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
