this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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