I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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