I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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