My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
