Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
