how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
