so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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