Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize