she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I have fence marks all over my body
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize