I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
