then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
pray to the hookup gods
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
