I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
