finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
