you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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