I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
