"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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