I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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