It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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