you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
