well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
