if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
