I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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