I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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