i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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