i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
