HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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