He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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