Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
