just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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