There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My liver just broke up with me...
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Don't EVER smell your tampon
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
