Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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