not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I smell like Dick and happiness
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
