she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
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