Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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