So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
