So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
