Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize