Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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