My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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