he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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